Wanderlust & Pixie Dust

In honor of our baby girl, our 3 angels.

The day after we lost our Abby we wandered over to one of our favorite nurseries.  I think that we both needed something to brighten up our world.  Our home and our yard was starting to look the way we felt.  My Pauly discovered this beautiful Bleeding Heart waiting just for us.

 

He called me over to see what he had found.  I took one look and knew exactly what he was thinking.  We would have to take it home in honor of our Abagail.  It reminds me of all 3 of our  beautiful poms.  What a perfect flower.  Is this even a flower?  What is a Bleeding Heart anyway?

 

A 6-pack of pansies also followed us home.

 

I definitely know what a broken heart is.

Bye my love.

Download MVI_2454

Yesterday we said goodbye to our sweetheart.  She seemed so perfectly normal one minute but for the most part,  she was constantly gasping for a good lungful of air.  The vet had suggested that we say bye to her a week ago but I just couldn't do it.  He said that she had lost most of the use of her lungs and that it was time to think of her first.

Little tumors or bumps were starting to spread along her spine.  Her back legs were stiff and wobbly.  However, she had a spirit and a fire in her like nothing else.  If you click on the download up above you can see our sweetpea.

 

She still had a hearty appetite.  She still begged for her cookies.  The night before she had horrible gas.  While at first it was amusing, it soon became painful to watch.  I sat up with her all night holding her, reassuring her, trying to give her some comfort.  She was so agitated.  It tore me apart. The more upset she became, the harder it was for her to breath.

Was she suffering?  Did we do it too soon?  Were we supposed to wait until her lungs collapsed completely on her while we were away?  Pauly keeps trying to remind me that we took away her struggling.  I can't help but think that I took away her cookies.  I took away her sunshine. 

I know that there are those of you who think childless dog people like me are crazy.  Ask me if I care. She was my soul mate and my companion.  My love and yes, my substitute child. Our lives were so wrapped up in hers, in making her comfortable. Our house is full of her and yet no longer home without her.  It's hard to imagine life without thinking of her first upon waking.  Without tripping over frozen ice pads spread out on the floor to keep her body temperature down.

 

Such a price to be paid for so much love.  With real children you hope and expect to leave this earth way before they do.  With dog babies, we hold them tight (when given the chance) and kiss them gently on their head and say good bye.  

Peanut, I miss you and love you with all my heart and soul.

A few words

I'm sitting here with the hearing regarding Lehman Bro's on my tv in the background.  The more upset I get listening to this cra* about our economy, the stronger the urge grows to take my 50% off coupon to Michael's.  Or to eat something really bad.  Comfort food.

Anyways.  What I really want to say is thanks to everyone who has sent such kind words about my Abby.  It means so much.  

Here she is the other day with the wind blowing through her hair, thinking that she is going bye-bye.  My husband was simply washing the car but she planted herself inside first chance that she got and refused to budge.  He left her inside, continued to wash the car and cranked up the a/c full blast for her instead.  What a great papa she has.

I've held back on posting in recent days because the number one thing I find that I want to ramble about is my Abby.  I don't want to always come across as being sad or depressed about her situation.  When I feel a melancholy post coming on I pick her up and kiss her on her bacteria filled head instead.  

It hasn't killed me yet.  Then I go about my day.  

My husband is always commenting on what a spunky little fighter she is.  Her back legs are starting to give her trouble.  I'm been telling everyone how she now waddles when she walks. Poor baby, she wobbles about the house to and fro like a hairy little penguin.

Recently the cheeky monkey snatched up an eggshell that I attempted to toss into the trash. Naturally the first thing I did was grab my camera.  

See what I mean?  That frenzied look in her eye? She bolted into the living room and I gave chase laughing all the way.  When she has this evil look on her mug she WILL snap at me.  She wasn't about to let that nasty eggshell go.  Eventually I distracted her from her prize by waving a piece of cheese past her nose.  Whole grain bread works just as well in a similar pinch.  

As if.  Like I was really going to just sit there and let her eat an old eggshell. You'd think that after being inter-species soulmates for so long she would know me better. 

These are the times when it is easy to delude myself that she is healthy and well.  And that she is going to be the oldest living pomeranian in history.

Baby Girl

The vet says that her little lungs are covered with tumors. Probably her liver too.  Most likely cancerous.

She's too old, has too many health issues, surgery is not an option. Let's just make her comfortable.

When I first found out I told myself that I was going to take gabillions of pictures of her but then I couldn't bring myself to do it.  It seemed so final.  I finally got up the nerve the other day and took these of her on my bed. 

You can see her ice pad on the bed behind her.  This is how we sleep lately.  Side by side and spooning. The minute I get up, for anything, this is what she does.  She'll sit on edge of the bed, eyes wide, using doggy mental telepathy to call me over to her. Down, I want down.  What are you doing? Are you getting something to eat?  You can just see the accusation in her eyes.

Recently I took a muscle relaxer. Just half of a muscle relaxer really.  In the middle of the night I woke up kinda sorta and looked her over to see how she was doing.  Her ice pad was warm so I rolled over to get up and grab her another. 

I fell off the damn bed. 

Now I know how people die in freak accidents at home.  Somehow I hit my melon.  I was still half asleep and I could not tell ya if I hit my head on the railing or the floor.  Duh.

Note to self:  Muscle relaxer and snuggling dog on a twin sized bed not a good combo.

I can't recall why she is doing this with her tongue.  It looks as if I gave her peanut butter but I didn't.

I think that I know every hair on this tiny dogs head.  Yep, all that hair.  Her every expression. Her limited doggy vocabulary.

I have not really cried since learning about what is to come.  On one hand I think that I am all cried out over my other two dogs, Casper and Marley.  Maybe I'm still in shock over the fact that I'm losing all 3 of my dogs so close together.

Well.  I know that I've said that I am going to get back to posting on a regular basis but I don't think that I am ready just yet.  I need to focus on getting my shops stocked and on a swap or two that I am behind on.  I'm also thinking about switching from Typepad to somebody or something else.  I think that I feeling the need to start off fresh soon.  I'll definitely be around but it will be a bit sporadic for a while longer.

It's hard to know exactly what to do. She is such a part of me and my existence. I readily admit to being one of those people who over bond with their dogs. I don't understand how one can't.  All you need to do is look into their eyes. She seems fine most of the time.  Tired, even very tired but happy for the most part.  She is not going to heal.  She is not going to get better.  So how long are we going to have her?  Maybe the they made a mistake. Is IT going to happen in her sleep?  Is she going to......

These animals can really break your heart.
 

My Littlest Peanut

Ok.  Let's try this again.  A few weeks ago I thought that I was back to my old self.  I wasn't.  I tried to jump back into things a little too soon.   I have to be very disciplined about the time that I spend typing or doing anything involving my arms and hands that is repetitious.  Anyone who knows me is well aware that I am everything but disciplined abou.  Anal I'm not. 

I've spend the last weeks trying to get all healthy and hunky dory.  While trying to get myself together and motivated, we learned that my littlest peanut Abby is one ill bitty pom.  I don't consider myself anywhere even close to over the deaths of my two other dog babies.   My heart and soul is still trying to grasp the fact that I may not have her this same time next summer. 

Her health issues are many.  Arthritis, cataracts, a collapsing trachea to name a few.   Her energy level diminished in recent weeks. I took to strolling the neighborhood with her propped up in a baby stroller.

If you look closely you'll notice that she is sitting on a re-freezable ice pad.  Her lungs are not working as they should and she has a hard time keeping her body temperature down.  These ice pads have been a life saver for her. 

Recently she took a turn for the worse and stopped eating.  Two vets and a whole bunch of money later, she is on Prednisone and now seems to be stable. The vet also gave me an inhaler in case of an emergency.  Emergency?  I don't want there to be any emergency.

When she is up and begging for a cookie I can almost fool myself that nothing is wrong with her.  When she starts spinning in little circles in anticipation of her morning stroll, I can almost believe that she will be with me forever.

Nights are the hardest.  Up until recently Abby spent her summers far away from us at night in her attempt to keep cool.  In recent weeks she has taken to sleeping snug as a bug up against me.  And she keeps on snuggling throughout the the night.  Here I am hot and sweaty something awful, about to roll off the edge of the bed, hot dog pressed up on my tummy.  Oh-oh.  What's that?  Did the ice pad spring a leak again?  Sometimes we wake up as often as 3 or 4 times a night to replace her melted ice pads.

I'm trying not to drive myself crazy with guilt about my other two dogs.   What if I had taken them for second opinions as we just did with Abby? Would either one of them still be here today?  What if the second vet or third might have been able to discover something that the others hadn't? Did I fail them?  I have to keep reminding myself that we loved those dogs with all our heart and that we did the best that we could at the time. 

Abby dear, I wish that I could feel your warm fuzzy body, safe and content beside me always.

Typing with a little one on your lap.

Rhonda over at Rhondamum once upon a time asked me if I knew what it was like to type with a little one shoving a big green Gumby in my face. Well no, but how about trying to type with a lonely pomeranian carefully balanced on your lap? Does this count?

Ever since we lost her brothers, the poor little peanut has been on me like white on rice. Being the teeny tiniest in the house, she used to spend her days trying stay out of their way and rolling her eyes at them. Now she doesn't have anyone to irritate or amuse her but me.

She will come up to me and start scratching my thigh until I pick her up and place her on my lap. Sometimes she falls right to sleep with her chin on the table. On other occasions she puts both paws on my right wrist and tries to pull my hands towards her to scratch her tummy.

Poor baby. I think she needs another puppy to love. Oops. Maybe I do.

Anybody else type with a child in their lap? A puppy? With Kitty trying to stretch out on your keyboard? Polly-Wants-A-Cracker glaring over your shoulder? Husband giving you the evil eye from across the room wondering when you are ever going to get off the computer?????

Casper

Angel we love you. No more suffering sweetheart...

Loss & Led Zeppelin

This last year has been a very difficult one for Paul and I and for so many of our friends and family. The two of us went back and forth on whether to put up Christmas decorations or not. With a sun already well on it's way to setting yesterday, we finally decided to venture into our garage. The entire time that my husband was working his way to the Christmas goodies, I kept thinking to myself that maybe we should just forget it. I was just about to call my doggies safely in for the night when I heard what sounded like someone popping bubble wrap up in one of our trees. It turned out to be a huge racoon climbing our ancient pepper tree and eyeballing us cautiously the entire way. I shoo'd my babies inside and proceeded with unearthing ornaments.

Soon as I peeked into my first box I felt much better. Couldn't help it after seeing several of my old ornament friends looking back out at me. I started to get a little excited. We started off our decorating by listening to wonderful sounds featured on Rabbit Run Cottage. Soon after, Pauly recalled that LED ZEPPELIN was having their reunion tour last night. Before you could say "hey that's not Christmas music" we were decorating our tree & blasting Nobody's Fault But Mine.

Led Zeppelin played a big part in both of our lives. I don't know anyone from my age group who doesn't know who they are. I remember my blond long haired, skateboarding, blue eyed boyfriend at the time promising to take me to see them in concert. Back then they would sell out the Inglewood Forum for long 6 days in a row. He actually put money down in advance to secure tickets. Or at least he claimed that he did. Sadly, John Bonham passed away before the band could come to town again. The Van's wearing skater boy and I drifted apart. How wonderful for John Bonham's son to play for them last night...

Sorry to keep bringing sad things up tonight but I'm trying to get all off this of my chest once in for all. I'm finding it a bit difficult to feel festive this holiday season. I feel sorry for my friend who lost her mother before Thanksgiving. I feel sorry for her father who's heart is breaking. I feel sad for my 2nd cousin who lost his life a week ago and who was the same age as myself. I feel sorry for my dad. And those of you who know me will have a good idea of why. I feel sorry and worried about my husband who is still not feeling well at all. I miss my baby who would have probably slept under the Christmas tree each and every night just because he loved the sparkling lights. That's the kind of special little soul he had. Or is.

The picture up above belongs to a very special neighbor who lost his sweet wife just a few weeks before I lost my angel Marley:
One of his friends is still in the hospital I believe, after falling asleep and crashing into the back end of a semi truck. He also had to put his beloved dog of 14 years to sleep just a few weeks ago. I really miss his wife a whole bunch. She was in her 70's and still had her beautiful British accent. She would always comment on how lovely and well groomed my 3 dogs were. They weren't but it was always nice of her to say so. She would often ask me where I had flown lately back when I still had wings. All of her brothers were in the British Air Force. She had worked at March Air Force herself in her younger days and had an incredible love for travel. Together we would reminisce about Italy, England, Paris. All the animals in the neighborhood instinctively knew that they could go to her. I smile now to remember the baby skunks that would waddle into her yard every night and how she would pretend not to notice. Often when we drove by she would be watering her plants & flinging food for the birds high up into the sky.

You can see from the picture how her husband has the two chairs set up in the yard. They use to sit side by side and drink tea in the mornings. We still see him now and then sitting there quietly with one empty chair and we wave. A for sale sign sits on the lawn these days.

I like to think that my Marley is up somewhere being played with and fussed over by a whole heaven full of people just like her.

My Heart is Broken

Early the other evening, just as I was in the middle of enjoying myself @ the ARTSYMAMA Artful Blogger party, my precious baby dog Marley passed away. Now I know that many people do not understand the big deal over the death of a "just a pet", but for all intents and purposes he was my baby boy. In my life and in my world he was an irreplaceable little angel incredibly in love with life. Well, anyways...My purpose for saying all this that it is so easy to just want to pull away from everything and everybody while I grieve. I swore to myself when I started this blog that I would contribute to it every few days no matter what, so this is what I am trying to do.